i liked someone once.

It's my fault it hurts, my fault it ever hurts, my fault.

To them, I'm a girl, I was born a girl, I look like a girl. On the days that I wake up and hate those facts, I'm still a girl. I hate gender, you know that! For more reasons than my affections and the inequality of it all. I hate it because it binds itself to me, heavy and smothering and restraining. Some days are fine but some days are bad, some days it's as if everything wants to remind me of my limitations and ties.

My brother called me "he" a couple of days ago; I know it was just a tongue-fumble, but I kind of liked it when he did it again and said he knew I wouldn't care anyway. Well, I wish I fit neatly between male and female and we could just all be okay with that.

Chances are that more often than not, if I start to like a girl I won't be able to tell her or to try. I won't even get a chance to prove what a gentleman I can be, to hold her hand, to bring her flowers, to take her on adventures, to kiss her cheek, to write her notes, to sing her songs, to be the best friend. A boy doing those things is cute and sweet, but I'm pathetic, pitiable, and odd at best. I'll have to do absolutely nothing and happily watch that girl walk on into life with someone else at her side, a real boy, and I can't do a thing about it, I'm not even supposed to feel anything about it.

I'm a girl, I'm a girl and that's all. I'm not allowed to just be savanna. I'm a girl. No matter how much I like someone, I'm a girl.

I guess I get that, my gender is bound to my chest. It affects how you see me and how you value me. I look like a girl, that's all I can be. I get it, but god, it's fucking painful. It's my fault it hurts, my fault for being oversensitive, but it still hurts.

I liked someone once, but oh well.

My fault.