all of the closets!!

I think I've finally decided what my beliefs are. God is in all of us, God is something bigger than what we can bind by books or rituals. I think God is sort of magic. And I really don't care if this is kind of crazy. Because everything is a little crazy anyway, and it's lonely to think that there's nothing bigger. It's also lonely to think that something bigger might be exclusive, like I have to earn my way into the "heaven club." So. I am not a Christian, I am not an Atheist. I just believe, you know?

I am queer. I am okay with that. Really, that's all there is to it. I think everyone would be happier if they were queer; this is silly maybe. But it's just a thing I think. Anyway, I'm queer. That's an umbrella term that basically means "fuck off, I will love who I love, I will live how I like." All I want is respect. And for my mom to never again say that it's just a phase. (Because that makes me scared her love will eventually go away if my feelings don't.) My queer-ness/gender/sexuality/etc. does not define me entirely. Still, these things are real parts of me, parts of who I am; and I am happy with that. 

I am not always a super-cool person. I get lonely. Because even though I am often self-aggrandizing, I can also be mean to myself, sometimes. And I need people. We all need people. Let's need each other.

I've tried so hard to avoid hurting people or making other people suffer, but then I suffer and become a worse person for it. In the end, it's all a mess. I will work less on apologizing for every little thing. I will make my actions meaningful, every one of them, especially my apologies. I will try to love with all my heart, because anything less is pointless. It is okay to take risks. I need to learn to take risks. I do not want to be timid and half-hearted any longer.

When I leave home, I think I might stretch my ears and get tattooed. And maybe get my lip pierced? (Tattoos if I can man up and face the needles. Either way, tattoos are nice.) For now, I'm gonna work up the courage to buy a couple men's shirts. So mom, your plan to force your idealist opinions on me failed. I'm sorry I'm not the perfect little girl parents wish for. I love you.

And you, Emily. You're beautiful and I'm not ashamed for saying so. I guess it sucks if my words make you uncomfortable. But like Augustus Waters, I will not deny myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. You are cute and your brain is amazing and I like you a lot as well as respect you, and these things are facts of life that I will not just ignore. I don't care if you'd rather boys say all this stuff; I have a mouth and eyes and I am your friend and I think these things sort of give me a right to say it too. Try to understand me a little more, and maybe you can feel more comfortable about it. 

The end, I guess, because I feel really nice, and this is all I want to say right now.

Oh and also, I think that everyone needs to try harder to be happy. It's possible to be happy.

 Okay? Okay.