i think i'll make them into a sweater.

It's not as simple as willing the feelings away.

You're a thread wrapped up in all of me, coiled about my organs and woven between my rib bones, tied on each finger as a reminder of why I fell for you in the first place, when this thread bound my ankles together, caught me by surprise.

I always believed that sexuality and attraction and things were fluid because they are for me. Girls, boys, androgynous people, queer folk. Beards, button-ups, nail polish, sweaters, suspenders, collar bones, undercuts, you. Lots of things slip in and out of my closet of aesthetic interest.

I mean, I used to identify as straight. Things change, right?

Short answer, no.

I have no right to expect that or wish for that, that was really wrong of me. Your identity was never my business to question. It could change one day or it could never change; either way it's YOUR'S, not mine, to worry about and consider.

In reality very few straight-identified (sober) people "experiment." Very few straight-identified people change their minds. Very few people aren't straight-identified. (Tumblr was never an accurate reflection of the reality of things.)

I held onto something impossible for unbelievably long. Partly because I'd hoped that you'd emerge from the cocoon of junior year as a glorious rainbow colored butterfly, like I did. (Actually you're still younger than I was when I decided boys were mostly pretty dull.) And partly because there's never been anyone who's fit into my life and at my side as well as you do, and I thought if I were good enough, I could be the same for you. And I guess also partly because my queer crush on you is just really fucking big and I'm not good at managing my feelings.

But you've found someone you seem to like as much as I like you. And it's not my place to object or interfere or wish or theorize or anything. In order to stop doing those things, it's best to stop liking you that way, in a way that makes me wish for more.

So I'll carefully unwind this thread.

It's not going to be instantaneous, though that would be most convenient. But I realize now that if I tried to tug it all out at once, it would unwind me along with it. I don't want to make a mess of me or become bitter about things or lose my platonic friend-love feelings for you in the process.

I don't have to ruin myself or beat myself up over any of this. We've all got feelings, it's okay. You're nice, and you won't rush me or shove me. Thank you.