ah, dang.

I feel vaguely upset, but I can't cry (I think that's the side effects again.) I don't have a right to even feel anything about it but happy. I should have known--!

I mean, I did know. But I'd hoped--!

It's just--...

I want you to be happy. I do.

I want to be happy, too. I'm figuring that part out.

And I don't want to be alone. More specifically, I don't want to be without you. I've had to walk away from people before, I've had people walk away from me, but this is different. You're different.

You're my good friend. You were the first person I came out to, the only person to ask me questions. You help me do things I wouldn't normally do. You've been sweet to me while I've been a mess; I really appreciate that. And I enjoy every moment we're around each other. More than I enjoy moments with anyone else I've met so far.

So of course I don't want to lose you.

But I don't want to be in love with you, either, I never meant for that to happen.

I'm so sorry about it, too, it's really silly. I mean it's not silly that I could fall for you, you're wonderful. But it's a bit silly that I could stay in like this long for something hopeless, considering it's made me a worse person at times.

I care that you're not totally happy in that relationship. I want you to have all the happiness possible. You deserve it. But it's also true I'm jealous and kind of a jerk because of it. If I weren't jealous, maybe I could shut up and let it be, no matter how I felt about it all. That's the kind of friend I need to be, my chill self. Not my infatuated, judgmental, whiny self.

Feeeeeelings... Don't worry, I'll get rid of them. I held them tight all this time, thinking that was enough or that was noble or something stupid. But they make me act bitter and that makes me feel icky. They're not worth it, and it's time I grow up and realize you're not queer.

It's weird because my emotions feel different on this medicine, I guess because I'm just getting used to it. And maybe I feel better because I can't cry, too. I guess I can't understand how I feel without the usual clear signs. Normally I think I'd assume I should kick myself out of your life or something awful and sad like that. I'd probably cry a while and feel sorry for myself because I'm a selfish bastard. And then I'd send you a nine page text message about how sorry I am for being shitty.

I totally don't feel like that now, though. I have no desire to do any of those things. (Except text you I guess, but that's because you're my friend, not because I want to be a sad flopping fish of feels.)

Nothing's wrong with me, I'm just a normal person and you're just lovely. This is how life goes.

I hope your relationship can be better and be all you want it to be.

I hope I can be better.

We all deserve to be happy. Woo.