target won't take me seriously.

No, but, lady. Listen. You don't understand. I've bled morals from the age of five, I've never stolen a thing in my life, I've never even considered it. These are conveniently circle shaped earrings, I'm not even allowed to stretch my ears. My jacket has a hood, but that doesn't mean I'm a hoodlum. Look. Look at me, I'm so awkward and socially inept, it's hardly funny. I just. I just want to try on this cardigan, alright? It's-- Fine. Fine, I'll leave my bag out here. Don't try to tell me it's protocol though. You don't make me do it when I'm with my mom. That's right, I still shop with my mother sometimes.

Couldn't you at least be suspicious with a smile?

just shut up.

I know I say too many words for my own good.
I'm sorry, okay?

There are often times a lot of things in my head,
A million thoughts that want to escape,
And never anyone who's willing to listen to them.

Other times, I'm just lonely,
Maybe need a distraction from something that sucks.

I used to be alright by myself.

there's that one saying.

I've thought about it a lot, and though I'm not really like, "Woo, perfect, girl, you go for it!!" about the whole couple thing (like i talk like that ever), I'm always going to tell you to do what you want. It's your life and you should do what you want with it, same as I would. All of us have our own responsibility to find our happiness. Nobody can really predict what that will look like, so we need to try things, search, learn, and grow into happy.

I wish you two luck, like I'd wish any couple. Honestly, you probably shouldn't take my opinion to heart too greatly, because I don't really believe in love; I mean, I do but my beliefs about it are kind of weird and skewed. I don't believe in the traditional equation of man+woman and idea of them vs. the world. I believe love has been made small and boxed up to fit into a society that desires separation, distance, cold shells. And, if lots of marriages end up broken, could it possibly not be the highest form of relationship? I don't know.

But I believe in community. In group. In finding the people you like and sticking with them. I believe in our house with "fuck you" stenciled on the wall and warm people sprawled out on the mismatched couches. I'd like someone to cuddle with and talk to, just the same as you do, but I don't believe that a man is the only one who can fit that spot. I believe in platonic partnership, friendship, fluffy dogs, too. I believe in comfortable. In "John, rawr!" kinds of kisses. In sharing. In sticking together. I believe in love, I guess, in my own backwards way.

You guys are doing what normal people are supposed to do, I'm the one who's kind of crazy and off.

... This post wasn't really supposed to be about me, I swear.

Anyway, I don't know if I think you two are great together or anything like that, but he's nice and average and even, so it couldn't really go bad, like terribly, right? Sure, there's always potential for a broken heart or loneliness, but I hear people get those things a lot; the common cold of emotions, people walking around with them on any street, any day. It's fine as long as you remember happy is waiting, as long as you remember how to be fine as "I," as "me," instead of "we." Does that make sense? 

Well, it's not my business anyway!

Let's be friends, I'm working on being sweeter.

stargirl.

leo, why.
no.
fuck.
what is this.
too tired.
to finish tonight.
eyes.
not.
opening.
enough.
alkdglakf;sagfj;l.

i can feel a bad day coming. someone, get the crayons and fruit.

i liked someone once.

It's my fault it hurts, my fault it ever hurts, my fault.

To them, I'm a girl, I was born a girl, I look like a girl. On the days that I wake up and hate those facts, I'm still a girl. I hate gender, you know that! For more reasons than my affections and the inequality of it all. I hate it because it binds itself to me, heavy and smothering and restraining. Some days are fine but some days are bad, some days it's as if everything wants to remind me of my limitations and ties.

My brother called me "he" a couple of days ago; I know it was just a tongue-fumble, but I kind of liked it when he did it again and said he knew I wouldn't care anyway. Well, I wish I fit neatly between male and female and we could just all be okay with that.

Chances are that more often than not, if I start to like a girl I won't be able to tell her or to try. I won't even get a chance to prove what a gentleman I can be, to hold her hand, to bring her flowers, to take her on adventures, to kiss her cheek, to write her notes, to sing her songs, to be the best friend. A boy doing those things is cute and sweet, but I'm pathetic, pitiable, and odd at best. I'll have to do absolutely nothing and happily watch that girl walk on into life with someone else at her side, a real boy, and I can't do a thing about it, I'm not even supposed to feel anything about it.

I'm a girl, I'm a girl and that's all. I'm not allowed to just be savanna. I'm a girl. No matter how much I like someone, I'm a girl.

I guess I get that, my gender is bound to my chest. It affects how you see me and how you value me. I look like a girl, that's all I can be. I get it, but god, it's fucking painful. It's my fault it hurts, my fault for being oversensitive, but it still hurts.

I liked someone once, but oh well.

My fault.

leaves.

I liked autumn, I always liked autumn the best, just like my mom did.

The house smells different. The air is crisp. There's the (short-lived) excitement over the start of a new school term. Holidays. Stews. Sweaters. 

This autumn I just want some new shoes, I want to learn things, I want to figure out how to enjoy tea, I want to meet people who believe differently, I want to adventure with my friend.

But as my "final" summer (one I wasn't actually supposed to have) comes to a close, I kind of miss it. Hot night walks, bare feet, short shorts, lake swims, sleeping on the couch, watermelon, spontaneity, dry ground. 

This has been my favorite summer.

I know things will change, no matter how much I would rather they not. I will grow older, we could grow apart, responsibilities, people, classes, parents, life. I don't want to go back to how it used to be, to how lonely it was. I can only hope the future will be even better than the present.

Soon it will be autumn, and I can't stop it.