So basically tonight, I guess.

Sometimes I cry. While driving. And yelling. And listening to Emery or something like that.

But hey, could be hormones.

Or I could just be tired of feeling like an idiot. That could be it, maybe.

Either way, I need to get a freaking grip...

I've got pride too, you know. A little bit at least.

Hush.

I wake up sheepish some mornings, remembering how sad I let myself be the day before.

But it could be worse.

There are still trees and cats and other nice things to be happy about.

We'll be okay.
So I'm going to smile again, alright?

Some Days I Go Back There

There are these weird in-between places. Every piece of punctuation is a question mark bounced against my eardrums, distorting the meaning of our reverberating words and sentences until I'm not sure what you or her or I ever meant.

"I love you?"

I feel things slipping away, all the colors running, everything sliding down into the space that surrounds my shrinking, grey, floating island. And I just sit here cross-legged or with my knees drawn up to my chest, humming to the interrogative beat still playing at my eardrums.

"I care?" 

If I let it all fall, I know I can never get anything back. This will go away, if I just keep humming.

"I miss them?"

If I reach out and grasp at something, it could slip from my fingers all the same.

"I should at least try?"

If I caught hold of one fragment or shard or cupped handful of violet, cerulean, mahogany... 

Well, I'm not sure what would happen.

Can you paint the in-between places? Could we rebuild from here?

I would like to be happy. Forever, please.

It feels like summer a little bit.

Lately life has been nice, except for one or two meh things. But mostly, nice.

I enjoyed our ice cream date. I like sharing. Maybe because my mom always told me not to do it when I was a kid; yknow, germs and stuff. But really, I think things are better when they're shared. Like peace tea or fruit salads. (Non-edible things are nice to share, too. Like headphones or chairs.)

I like your neighbors. They're funny and friendly. I like that they said my name. (That's not really important. I just like it.) I'm sort of sorry I like them better than I like him. I'm trying.

Your house doesn't smell bad so you shouldn't worry about it; it smells sort of like fur hugs and fading campfires. That's what I thought of when I was in the car on the ride home, at least.

I don't mind the dog hair, so don't worry about that either. Your dogs are nice.

The moon looked gigantic tonight. I was listening to Saltbreakers which always reminds me of you. Pretty much every song talks about the sea, and the ocean makes me think of you. 

After I'm around you, I feel like I can see things better and hear and feel things better.

I like you. ;3

Sometimes I want to tackle you or yell or something because I'm just so happy we're alive. 

I never wanted to miss you.

 I know it's all going to go to flashbacks and flames.

When we burn out, let our ashes paint the sky dark, let our incoherent screaming smoke signals block out the sun.

I don't want to just smolder to death in the fireplace with a wisp of smoke at a whisper breeze.

I want to burn down the forest, strip the trees, so I feel like we meant something.

The animals will surge ahead the tidal wave of orange and red that singes fur and devours underbrush and pours grey and black into heaven while the angels hold their breath.

Maybe it's too much to ask, but could we at least leave behind scorch marks?

___________________________________________________

And she patted my head. 

I know I'll be okay.

I want to burn alive and wake up in a pile of everything we ruined.

Like a phoenix or something. 

Today

She asked jokingly if I was a liberal.

Like it was some sort of disease.

And I answered yes.

Yes, I sort of am. 

Flying Dreams Leave Us All Lonely

Hummingbirds

We drink until

Our quick hearts burst

Sweet things

Sugar water

Darling, I think you're beautiful

With beautiful bones 

Inside your beautiful body

Sweetheart, I think you're a stunner

Your pretty lashes and

Hidden smile

I can't look you in the eyes anymore

And it's a shame

Hummingbirds

The males tout 

Their fashionable feathers

But we look good 

All plain

We're bad in formal wear

Disasters with updo hair

It doesn't suit our broke out skin 

And natural locks

You look best in 

Shredded jeans so I can see your pale knees

You  look great with your hair all wavy 

And mousy brown

Hummingbirds

We're past drunk

Dive-bombing one another

When flitting

Gets old

You move too fast, too far

I move too fast to nowhere

We could never stay long here

You because you're light and free

Me because I'm scared

We just can't build a nest

With all this wind

Tree branches whip away

Good morning

Hummingbird

Fight the crows

Screaming with witch songs

Good morning

This was all only

A good bad dream